Childhood Experiences for your Personal Growth
Personal Growth Coaching for You! How does your childhood experience affect your present life? And how important knowing your Enneagram types for your personal growth.
Type 1- Parental Orientation:
Type ones tend to be: Disconnected from protective figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: make mistakes
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: are the good boy/girl
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you do what is right.
Ones came into this life with an accepting, free, and flexible demeanor. Until, they had a hurtful experience that caused them to feel criticized.
They started to cope with this pain by criticizing themselves before anyone else could.
Ones start to believe they have to be perfect in order to be seen as worthy.
They start to be able to notice and change themselves to make everything they do even more perfect.
Ones begin to evaluate everything around them to consider how "bad or wrong" it was. (And how bad or wrong they were)
As time passes they become experts at doing things by the rules. They always criticize themselves if they ever step out of line.
They may stop doing or feeling anything that could possibly be considered "wrong" Because of this they begin to lose their instinctual impulses and creativity.
Ones feel a need to control everything to make sure things are done right every time.
They begin to feel frustrated with themselves and others because nothing seems to live up to their expectations.
Others experience this as anger but ones cannot accept that because they believe anger is "wrong"
Over time they lack the awareness to even see their inner goodness. They just keep following the rules and work hard to meet their high expectations
They feel they are doing ok if they are being the "good boy" or "good girl" Ones felt disconnected with their protective parental figure because they never felt they could measure up to the protective figure's expectations.
Parents may not realize it but they rarely have to punish or discipline ones because they punish and criticize themselves. Any source of criticism will impose feelings of not being good enough and having to try harder.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Determine who your protective figure was and how you never felt you lived up to their rules and expectations of you.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "you are already good and acceptable" Or "you are and always have been good enough"
Develop your inner witness to become aware of when you begin to feel the need to change your instinctual emotional response because you're worried it’s not the "right" way to respond.
Consider a 12-week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
Type 2- Parental Orientation:
Type twos tend to be: Ambivalent toward the Protective Figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: have your own needs
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: help and serve others
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you are loved by others and close to them.
As children Twos came to believe that they must earn love by giving and helping
Love is perceived as conditional - “I only get it if I give it first.” Two's are ambivalent towards their protective figure. They may be this way because they are unsure of how to connect with them.
They eventually feel like their role is to just ease into a complementary role and become a supporter to the dominant personality who they see as their leader, guide, and disciplinarian.
Because they give into this, they begin to believe their needs are unimportant and therefore begin to repress them.
Twos take on the message that having needs is selfish.
2's have an innate ability to sense other's needs. Because of this ability they begin to work to meet these needs in others.
They bring/make gifts for others and befriend the kids with no other friends.
Being the caretaker of others makes them feel special, indispensable, and loved.
They think their worth lies in how effectively they can solve other people's problems and make them feel good.
This breeds some feelings of jealousy if their friends turn to someone else for help.
It's important for Twos to feel liked, and being disliked or having someone chosen over them will feel like a major blow to their self-esteem and create fearful insecurity
Adults tend to love Type two children for their immediate volunteering nature to help, ability to be flexible, and affection they give.
The problem is this furthers the message that Twos exist to support others rather than have their own identity. As they move into adulthood, this becomes an even more essential area for Twos to address.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Determine who your protective figure was and why you had trouble connecting with them.
Consider your need to feel loved and how you searched for that through caring for others.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "you are loved for who you are not what you do"
Develop your inner witness to become aware of when you begin to feel like you must do something to receive the love you're looking for. Look for patterns and consider deeper needs you may be missing
Consider a 12 week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
Parental Orientation:
Type threes tend to be: Connected to their nurturing figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: have your own feelings and identity
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: impress others by achieving and accomplishing
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you do something valuable.
As children 3's began to believe that their worth lies in what they do.
They notice they get praised when they do something successfully.
They also notice that when they express their emotions that were true them (sad, disappointed, hurt) no one paid attention to them.
They noticed that people seemed to "like them" more when they were accomplishing things and not expressing emotions.
They begin to feel that when they are just themselves people don't notice them. Three's discover they can sense what others want and magically change into that.
This ability helps them to gain attention which feels good. (While also avoiding being overlooked- which didn't feel quite as good!) as they grow they start noticing even more how they can change and shift themselves to earn more, achieve more, and look better to others.
After time they begin to fear that if they stop shifting to what others see as successful that everyone will begin to see them as failures. And/or that they wouldn't receive the praise and attention they need to feel good.
Eventually they can no longer feel their own true emotions or even recognize their true selves.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Determine who your nurturing figure was and how they doted on and praised you.
Consider your need to change who you are in order to feel loved and successful.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "you don't need to earn love - you are already loved for who you are"
Develop your inner witness to become aware of when you begin to shapeshift to impress others or prioritize doing over feeling.
Consider a 12-week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
Parental Orientation:
Type fours tend to be: Disconnected from both parents
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: be too functional or too happy
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: become a unique person who stands out from the rest
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you are true to yourself
Fours were born feeling cherished by their parents- but something happened and no longer was the four the center of their parents attention.
They begin to feel like they are no longer the most special child in the world.
It felt like something was wrong with them and this new (sibling, person, or thing taking their parents time) must be better than them in some way.
As a child they try to make sense of this by blaming themselves for doing something wrong or having something wrong with them.
Fours begin to get used to feeling sad and reasoned that if they had done something to loose that connection and being the special child that they could DO something to somehow get that feeling back.
They begin to believe if they need to show special they are or get others to acknowledge this need by showing how much they are suffering.
They begin trying to show their unique self to others through expressing themselves in different ways just hoping someone will notice them.
Fours get deeply hurt and emotional when nobody seem to notice this specialness- they begin to tell the fours they are "too sensitive" or "too dramatic"
This is when fours begin to tell others of all their pain and suffering and how they are able to withhold all this suffering without complaining.
Driven by the need to feel connected again they continue these habits of communication. Others find it odd that fours are trying to gain connection by expressing how disconnected they feel.
Eventually someone WOULD try to show fours that connection and love but by this time they have convinced themselves unworthy of this because they hadn't been special enough to keep it early on.
They begin to push others away to make sure they wouldn't abandon them.
It feels better to be sad all the time to protect themselves from the hope of something good. Something they feel they can't allow anyway.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Consider what was the factor in your childhood (birth of a sibling, personality conflicts, abuse, divorce) that created the disconnection.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "you are seen and loved for who you truly are."
Develop inner witness to see when you are looking for evidence of your own superiority or inferiority that keeps you stuck in this illusion about who you are.
Stay in the present- be mindful of the amount of time you are spending lamenting the past. Work on your belief that you are unworthy
Parental Orientation:
Type fives tend to be: Ambivalent toward both parents
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: be too comfortable in the world
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: are intelligent and prepared intellectually
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you have mastered something
As children, Fives tend to feel their needs are too much for their parents. This motivates them to not rely on anyone and to develop their independence from an early age.
They grew up with the perspective that the world is unpredictable, intrusive, and overwhelming, and that they do not have enough capacity, resources, and energy to handle it all.
As a result, they develop strategies to minimize their needs as a survival technique. They retreat into their mind palace to escape intrusion and sort through their thoughts and feelings.
They are comfortable with solitude. Five children are observant, imaginative, innovative, curious, inquisitive, and deep thinkers.
The more social Fives might have a small group of friends, but rarely do they disclose too much of themselves. Many times, even the friends the Five feels closest to feel a certain distance between them and the Five.
They might feel lonely as a child because they think their peers cannot understand them, increasing their feelings of rejection.
Fives are smart and intellectually driven, so understanding concepts in school may come easier to them than other children, but they often still struggle with assignment completion or satisfying the social expectations of their teachers or classmates.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Consider what was the factor in your childhood (birth of a sibling, personality conflicts, abuse, divorce) that created the disconnection.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "your needs are not a problem. (You already have what it takes.)"
Consider a 12-week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
Parental Orientation:
Type sixes tend to be: Connected to the protective figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: trust yourself
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: look to others to guide and support you
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you cover all the bases and do what is expected of you
As a child sixes are carefree until they have a few experiences that make them feel afraid.
Unfortunately, many Sixes can remember specific moments of perceived abandonment early on, and they carry that fear with them as they get older.
The world started seeming more dangerous and more threatening to them. They begin to feel anxiety about things, this anxiety leads to them picturing something bad happening.
Around the same time they start to become suspicious of people and wondering if they can be trusted.
Then maybe even had a few more experiences that made them feel very angry and scared. This pattern continues into the teenage years and creates issues with social anxiety.
The only thing that felt like it helped was to imagine all the bad things that might happen
So they begin to prepare for the worst to happen. But this doesn't take away the anxiety. They begin to scan every room for dangers, worry about people's ulterior motives, or bad intentions.
Either directly or indirectly they learned that the world is a scary place and they need to protect themselves.
They start to have the belief of "If I'm loyal to you, you'll be loyal to me" But they find this to be untrue and it further wounds their ability to trust others.
This hypervigilance causes 6's to have to grow up quickly. Six children are known for being playful, funny, and fabulous team players. They are loving, affectionate, a protector of the underdog, and caretakers of their friends.
They love making others happy and enjoy meeting expectations.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Determine who your protective figure was and how you got the message that the world is a scary place.
Consider your need to scan and plan when you're entering situations.
Begin to re-write your internal message with your core longing- "You are safe and secure"
Develop your inner witness to become aware of when you begin to feel the need to plan, consider worst-case scenarios, or complete a task to "feel safe".
Consider a 12 week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
Parental Orientation:
Type sevens tend to be: Disconnected with nurturing figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: depend on anyone for anything
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: find and bring happiness to yourself and everyone around you
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you are getting what you want
Sevens are born with a natural sense of wonder and pure joy. Then, something happened, and the seven began to feel like nobody was there for them when they needed it most.
This pain of needing attention and not receiving it was too much to bear for the seven. They begin to visit their imaginations to escape from negative thoughts and feelings.
Soon sevens are pros at diverting away from any negative feelings by using their imaginations to go to a happier more positive place. Because they escape feeling painful feelings for long, they can't experience the pure joy they once felt- you must have a balance of both to fully feel each.
7's disconnected from their nurturing figures for many different reasons, overall they were frustrated with them because: they did not feel they could depend on them to get what they needed
The nurturing figure didn't always intend to cause frustration. Maybe it was due to poverty or some other childhood deprivation
Maybe an accident or a loss of a nurturing figure at a critical stage in life. So a deep fear of deprivation arises and becomes the basis of their personality structure.
Sevens begin to demand that their needs be satisfied. They look to possess anything that could make them happy. Symbolic of having the nurturing they feel is beyond their grasp
Seven's focus on self-nurturing turns into the weakness of gluttony as they continually seek the feeling of contentment.
If others are not happy around them they will distance themselves (even if just mentally) to create their own happiness.
They are generally popular with many groups because they are cheerful, positive, and energetic.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Consider how you may have gotten a disconnected feeling with your nurturing figure.
Look for the ways you are mentally or physically distancing yourself from engaging with "negative" experiences or emotions.
Develop inner witness to notice when you feel the need to have multiple options. Be aware of the amount of time you spend rationalizing your focus on the positive. Allow others around you to feel what they are feeling.
Consider a 12-week journey with me to learn more about your childhood experience and all the other aspects of yourself to be able to beat stress and overwhelm.
Parental Orientation:
Type eights tend to be: Ambivalent towards nurturing figure
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: be vulnerable or trust anyone
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: demand it (or learn to provide yourself with it)
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay if you are strong and in control of your situation
Eights come into the world as sweet and children who are innocent and sensitive. However they didn't quite bond with their nurturing figure, and didn't completely separate from them either.
Instead they looked for a role that would be complementary to their nurturing figure. They took on a more traditional patriarchal role to find some type of connection, meaning they felt they would be "the strong one"
They identify with this role so strongly that they feel if they were to give it up they would be giving up their whole identity. Eights take it upon themselves to be the one to take action, make decisions, and handle the big problems.
Eights do not believe they can rely on anyone or anything else in this world. They feel a need to protect and guard themselves against threats, they can be confrontational, combative, and distrusting, especially toward those in power.
There is also a possibility that something happened when they were children and they didn't feel safe and protected so they felt they needed to provide this for themselves.
They have a lot of natural energy and this adds to their façade of power and invulnerability. Inside they are sweet, sensitive, and have loving hearts.
When someone does something they don't like, eights get angry very quickly. These powerful feelings only led to them feeling stronger and more protected.
After some time of protecting themselves they no longer seek others protection. Due them feeling powerful they begin to perceive others as weaker than they are.
They don't notice their presence as anything but powerful but others seem to be put off from time to time. If eights see others that are in need of protection they will step in to do so.
They stopped caring if anyone really liked them and lost the sensitivity outwardly that they were born with. Occasionally they feel lonely being the only strong one.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Consider what may have happened for you to feel the need to protect yourself and take on the strong role.
Look for the ways you are trying to be in charge even if you are not directly asked to be.
Develop inner witness to notice when you feel the need to engage in conflict. Be aware of the amount of time you spend in an "intense" emotional state. Think about the need for the "all or nothing" approach to things.
Consider a 12-week journey with me to learn more about your childhood experience and all the other aspects of yourself to be able to beat stress and overwhelm.
Parental Orientation:
Type nines tend to be: Connected to the both figures
*UCM and IM developed by Riso / Hudson
Unconscious Childhood Message:
It’s not okay to: Assert Yourself
Processed as:
You’ll receive the love, attention, and affirmation you seek when you: keep quiet and go with the flow
Led to the Internalized Message:
You are good and okay as long as everyone around you is good and ok.
As a child they feel connected with everything- almost if there is no such thing as separation.
With in this connection 9 felt a deep sense of joy and peace. Then something happened and they began to feel disconnected.
When nines try to explain this loneliness to others, their voice is not heard because others' voices are louder and "more important"
They try to speak louder and protest more- but they feel no one is listening. After a while, they simply give up- if they were not going to listen nines feel they might as well not even put in the effort to try.
Nines try to find this sense of connectedness in other ways such as doing whatever their friends want to make them feel happy.
They feel this connection momentarily again. Over time this existence of staying quiet and comfortable caused nines to forget all their own feelings.
Staying comfortable just seems much more... comfortable than disagreeing or trying to change people's minds.
Every once in a while they might try to share their opinions but it just felt like no one was listening and it didn't matter. Causing the deep feeling of separation yet again.
When they tried to express anger it pushed people away and they made the conclusion that people didn't want to be around angry people.
Nines never learn to assert themselves or ask for what they need. They have a hard time knowing who they are and what they want as a result.
While nine children try to blend in they simultaneously feel "overlooked" by people. They begin their numbing out early in life and my turn to TV, video games, eating, reading, sleeping, or practicing their hobbies as a way to escape.
Coach Chelsie Says:
Determine when you began to "go along to get along" and why you felt that message. Consider your own opinions and preferences. Be in tune with them and begin to express them more often.
Say no more often than quietly agreeing or going along with other people.
Develop your inner witness to become aware of when you begin to feel that your voice or opinion doesn't matter and speak up.
Consider a 12-week coaching experience with me as one of the first things we do is dive deeply into your childhood experience.
