For Professional Development what’s your Enneagram Communication Style?
One of the most powerful and impactful ways to utilize the enneagram is to understand communication patterns of each of the types. Understanding your own communication patterns can allow you to express your needs more clearly to others. Knowing others can help you to come to more favorable outcomes for all.
We communicate constantly- you think we’d all be tuned in and understand the communication styles of everyone. However most of us just believe everyone should communicate the way WE personally communicate. Just as their are 9 types of personalities- there are 9 distinct ways of communicating. None is “better” or more “correct” than another.
Here is a quick snip-it of each and then a more in-depth overview will be below.
Enneagram 1 - Moral Perfectionist
Underlying Message: "Understand and achieve my standards, which are clearly right and better than others."
This underlying message is supported by clear and direct communication that often focuses on highlighting errors or mistakes, giving instructions, and setting boundaries.
Due to their core motivators, Enneagram Ones will often describe the world or situations as right or wrong, good or bad, and categorize things in black and white language. Their communication is used to reflect their moral stances.
One’s struggle with their inner critic constantly breaking them down and being critical of things they are doing. Due to this inner monologue of criticism others may experience one’s communication as critical or harsh.
Communication Strengths: Proper, formal, appropriate, honest, straightforward, to the point, polite, advising.
Communication Weaknesses: Sermons, judging, lectures, opinionated, correcting, blunt, “tone deaf”.
Common Words/Sayings: “should”, “ought”, “must”, “That’s not right/fair”, “rules”, “right/wrong”
How to Communicate With a 1: Be straight forward and honest. Say exactly what you mean. Take out the fluff. When approaching a one with a critique be aware that they have likely already been critical of themselves about something. They may come back with defensiveness in service to their core fear of being wrong.
Communication Development for a type 1: Bring awareness to your underlying message. Enter into communication with others with a more open and curious lens. Allow yourself to wonder if their perspective might add to your own. Allow them to have their way and question your own perspective as harshly as you may critique theirs
Enneagram 2 - Supportive Helper
Underlying message to others: "I am here, I'm available and willing to listen, help, and advise in any way I can."
The communication of this underlying message may be stated directly or through informal expressions of flattery and complements. “You’re amazing!” “That is so great!” “let me know what I can do to support you.” If an enneagram two has anything negative to say about something they will likely mask it with much flattery and charm before delivering the feedback.
Enneagram 2’s tend to focus on the feelings and needs of others- leaving themselves out of the conversation. Many times two’s will tell stories of their “friends” and try to tell stories that complement what the person is going through as a form of connection.
They talk a lot about their “friends” and “relationships” instead of themselves. Processing their closeness with others helps them to feel loved and wanted.
Tends to want to help others and has a more sacrificial way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Compassionate, relational, helpful, sympathetic, understanding, concerned, caring.
Communication Weaknesses: Unsolicited advice, intrusive, meddlesome, interfering, manipulative, indirect.
Common Words/Sayings: “need”, “help”, “support”, “Are you ok?”, “appreciate”, “Anything I can do?”.
How to Communicate With a 2: Share your feelings. Let me know you appreciate me. Be a bit more gentile as 2’s can have rejection sensitivity. Give me a specific affirmation for how my advice has helped you.
Communication Development for a type 2: Try to remove extra flattery from your communication. You will still do it automatically, but if you are cognizant about it you will notice how often you’re doing it. Understand you are doing this to try to get the other person to like you and see you as kind. Be direct about your needs and wants. Use the language “I feel __ bc__I need__” When you communicate with others do not fall into the trap of thinking they should just know what you want/need. 2’s commonly feel they are able to do this with others and don’t understand why everyone else can’t do this for them.
Enneagram 3 -Successful Achiever
Underlying message to others: "I know how to achieve - so let me support your efforts to be a success."
Enneagram Threes are heart types, but because they are in the aggressive/assertive stance they are repressed in their heart center. Meaning they don’t feel comfortable having emotional conversations- they “don’t have time” for such things. They do still come from the heart when they speak. They are pragmatic, driven and goal oriented.
At times they can rush past things in order to “Get things done.” They want to assert themselves in a conversation to share how they can be useful, connect, or be seen as a role model.
They can exaggerate details or withhold truths in service of fearing being exposed or seen as a failure.
Tends to want to crush goals and has a more efficient focused way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Confident, efficient, clear, problem solving, encouraging, self-assured, poised.
Communication Weaknesses: Impatient, withholding, concealing, self-promoting, conceited, “moving on” quickly without processing.
Common Words/Sayings: “goals”, “best”, “work”, “I’ve got to get this done.”, “succeed”, “busy”
How to Communicate With a 3: Be direct and tactful. Tell me what you actually want. Affirmations go a long way. If you’re addressing criticism ensure it’s not in front of others (fear of being exposed)
Communication Development for Type 3: Threes' fast pace may make them somewhat impatient when sharing ideas and they can benefit from slowing down and being more open to alternative perspectives and deeper consideration before moving to act. Instead of getting frustrated by others pace- slow yours down a beat and connect with the present moment.
Enneagram 4 - Romantic Individualist
Underlying message to others "I am unique and explore what is going on at a deeper, more emotional level."
As withdrawn types, 4s have a deep inner worlds. Their style of commutation can be dramatic, emotionally compelling, and melancholy. They are operating at a deep internal level as well as existing out with us- so they seem to be pulling from another place while talking.
Connecting past moments, intellectual thoughts, and romanticized beliefs all at once. Ever searching for the connection they missed as children- they subconsciously lament from an inner child’s perspective.
Tends to want to find meaning and has a more emotion based way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Empathetic, impassioned, authentic, deep, curious, emotional, revealing, expressive.
Communication Weaknesses: Overly intense, self-focused, emotional, wordy, condescending, meandering. Can tend to only focus on past traumas or issues that are arising for them now.
Common Words/Sayings: “feel”, “mood”, “beauty”, “You don’t understand.”, “deep”, "aesthetic”, “you don’t get it/me”.
How to Communicate With a 4: Share your authentic self. Don’t try to fix me, allow me to be me. Hold space for me to share my feelings without judgement. Tell me what you “see” in me- validate me.
Communication Development for Type 4: balance the depth and intensity of their communication; perhaps by focusing more on objective facts and tasks. Fours may also benefit from being aware that others may find the depth and personal nature of their communication intrusive and need more time to build trust.
Enneagram 5 - Thoughtful Observer
Underlying message to others: "I will impart my knowledge and expertise in this area so you may make the most logical decision."
Enneagram fives prefer to communicate through digital or written channels or non face-to-face communication. They focus their commutation on explaining, figuring things out, and synthesizing information.
They can come across as condescending (without meaning to) by using jargon or analytical data that may be difficult for others to keep up with. Leaving others feeling like- If you can’t keep up that is your problem.
They prefer rational and objective communication without emotional undertones. Small talk is quite painful for them, and they prefer to discuss the topics they are most interested in over anything else.
Tends to want to gain knowledge and has a more logical way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Observant, curious, logical, non-intrusive, respectful, passionate about their knowledge area.
Communication Weaknesses: Cold, overly brief, arrogant, withdrawn, impersonal, guarded, mechanical. Only want to talk about what they care about and have little time to listen to other topics.
Common Words/Sayings: “logic”, “research”, quotes for respected people, “You’ll notice that…”, “actually”, “I can handle it myself".”
How to Communicate With a 5: Be logical and upfront. Ask me for my thoughts not my feelings.
Communication development for type 5: Fives prefer to keep their space and use digital or written communication channels and can often improve their communication by connecting in person more often to build deeper, more personal relationships. Due to the ambivalence they feel towards most things, they may tend to write off people quickly. Work on leaning into other people’s curiosities and connecting with them.
Enneagram 6 - Loyal Skeptic
Underlying message to others: "Have we considered all the underlying threats or issues that could arise here?"
Enneagram 6’s have an “inner committee” of voices instantaneously running risk analysis. This can cause them to come across as skeptical, contradictory, or negative to others who don’t experience this.
They can tend to contradict even themselves within a conversation as they try to work through everything. So, even if you agree with them- they may end up disagreeing with you.
Others may experience them as emotional or anxious due to their many face paced thoughts. It’s important to understand that 6s will feel invalidated if people tell them to “calm down” or say “everything will be fine” while they are running risk analysis.
6’s are very witty and tend to be self-deprecating. They will have your back if you are their friends, helping you feel supported and understood.
Tends to want support and has a more cautious way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Listening, caring, warm, witty, complex, detail oriented, curious, supportive, seeing the issue and having ways to solve it.
Communication Weaknesses: Reactive, overly skeptical, anxious, self-doubting, contradictory, contrarian, easily agitated.
Common Words/Sayings: “maybe”, “doubt”, “It depends.”, “I don’t think I trust that.”, “safe”, “I’m not sure.”, “What do you think?”, “What if..”
How to Communicate With a 6: Provide all the details. Do not belittle my fears and worries. Do not hide things from me- I have issues trusting people and hiding things makes me lose trust in you. Don’t be put off by my need to have emotional reactivity to something, It’s just my initial reaction.
Communication development for type 6: They can improve communication by taking time to collect their thoughts and distinguish between facts and fears or projections before engaging with others.
Enneagram 7 - Enthusiastic Optimist
Underlying message to others: "Let me focus on the possibilities and interesting options ahead!"
They are the all time silver lining seers- which can be a positive when they are using it to encourage and support others. However, they can also use it as a way to subconsciously stay in a more positive mindset. Avoid negative feelings and escape from limitations of reality.
They are usually enthusiastic and expressive. Full of hyperboles as their weakness of gluttony shines through even their communication. They are masters of rationalizing— basically everything. Their feelings, their why’s, their excuses, just about anything can be rationalized by a 7. They are focused on the future and the many dreams and possibilities that it holds.
Their communication brings in a number of tactics to liven up communications and make their point, such as examples, analogies, jokes, surprises, and even exaggerations.
Tends to want to be satisfied and has a more positive way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Lively, engaging, upbeat, optimistic, joyful, silver line (When used to support and encourage).
Communication Weaknesses: Avoidant, scattered, talks too fast, distracted, self-focused, rolling thoughts that jump from one thing to another, silver lining (this is a weakness when they are using it to avoid or fix).
Common Words/Sayings: “fun”, “exciting”, “Yes!!!”, “Let’s do it!!!”, “freedom”, “Why not!?”, “Now you’re speaking my language!”, “I want to do that.”
How to Communicate With a 7: Don’t get too negative. Give the perks of what you are asking. Find the “good” in the thing you are talking about. If approaching with something negative let them know you won’t talk about it forever but you need to discuss it briefly.
Communication development for type 7: Seven's spontaneous, fast-paced style can seem self-absorbed and limit their ability to truly listen to others. They can improve their effectiveness by slowing down and consciously creating space to hear others without anticipation or impatience.
Enneagram 8 -Protective Controller
Underlying message to others: "I know what needs to be done, so follow me"
The best way to describe an 8’s communication style is: They are a force. They don’t just take up space in a room, they command and direct the energy of it. They feel the wills of others and come up against or direct the will where they want it.
They lust for more power, intensity and control. This comes out in the direct way they speak with others. They are never afraid to go toe to toe with someone- in fact they may welcome a rousing debate. It’s fun for them to have someone try to ruffle their feathers.
They have no time for subtleties or niceties, they don’t pussyfoot around giving people sweet nothings. They just deliver the message and sometimes don’t really care what carnage they leave in their path. (Life is survival of the fittest.)
Their core emotional struggle is with anger and rage and this is what they express most often. They may not even realize they are being intense, because to them this level of intensity is their norm.
Tends to want independence and has a more bold way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Direct, straightforward, honest, protective, confident.
Communication Weaknesses: Aggressive, demanding, insensitive, blunt, easily angered.
Common Words/Sayings: “control”, “protect”, “strong”, “Don’t tell me what to do.”, “freedom”.
How to Communicate With a 8: Be straightforward like I am. Give me time to process privately.
Communication development for type 8: Eights need to be aware that their certainty can shut down or intimidate different perspectives, preventing others from asking questions or offering contributions. If they slow down and listen to other perspectives they may enlist others more quickly than just forging ahead leaving people in their wake.
Enneagram 9 - Adaptive Peacemaker
Meta-message to others: "I’m good and ok as long as you’re good and ok. So let’s just keep things chill here."
Enneagram nines are amongst the “nicest” communicators out there. They come from a collectivistic mindset and try to mediate what is best for “all” parties involved.
They lose themselves and their own opinions and have a fear of taking up space in a conversation with their thoughts/opinions about something. You will talk with a nine for ages and barely know anything about them because they will have artfully gotten you to open up while never sharing anything in depth about themselves- in fear that it could cause some kind of rift. They often agree with you outwardly even if internally they are screaming, “NO F-ING WAY DUDE.”
They speak in canned statements and safe placations. “It is what it is!”, “Life can be crazy sometimes!”, “Whatever you think.” They dissociate quickly if things get heated towards them and lose their words. If they are put on the spot and asked to say what they feel, think, or want— they tend to clam up. If they don’t want to do something they will likely become passive aggressive instead of directly communicating.
Tends to want harmony and has a more accepting way of thinking.
Communication Strengths: Receptive, nonjudgmental, gentle, supportive, good listener, open to hearing multiple perspectives, seeing all sides of the matter.
Communication Weaknesses: Avoidant, passive, not forthcoming, indecisive, meandering, struggles to get to point, passive-aggressive.
Common Words/Sayings: “peace”, “Whatever you think.”, “I don’t care.”, “I’m sure he/she/they meant well.”, “conflict”, “Sure.”, “It’s up to you.”, “get along”, “it’s not worth it” (may be more internal that they are saying that)
How to Communicate With a 9: Give me either/or options (as opposed to open ended options). Don’t interrupt me if I’m talking. Ask for my opinion and allow me some time to express it. Ask for more details and give me space to explore my thoughts on the matter. Let me know that my opinions and thoughts matter to you- even when we disagree.
Communication development for type 9: Nines can improve their communication by clarifying what is most important, what their point of view is, and what they believe might be a good course of action. Lessen or remove canned responses, fluff, and placations. Determine what it is you’re trying to say with your placation and say it using an I message. (I think/feel___because___") It is not “nicer” to say nothing when you disagree with someone, it’s “nicer” to communicate with them so they are aware if you’re offended.
